I have no doubt my therapist cared, or maybe still does ... how much, and about what, exactly - that's a difficult question.

When she invalidated me, or otherwise hurt me, or got all defensive when confronted - did she not care enough to think through what she's doing? Was she overwhelmed? Was it a punishment for some offense I've given? Did she just randomly **** up? Was it the best choice based on she knew? Was it my fault for not making my needs and feelings clear enough? Is she just plain incompetent? Am I overly sensitive, or missing the obvious, or mixing up needs with wants?

I believe she cared, because every time I presented her with the conscious choice, she always chose to keep working with me, and exploring why and how things kept going wrong. Because even when she failed and got defensive, I sometimes glimpsed the struggle, more of it than she probably intended me to, and we did talk through a lot of hurt in the end. Because she said so outright and I believe her. Because we had moments of genuine connection.

But is it me she cares about? Is it her professional pride? Both? Would she have come to care for the part of me that she was seemingly refusing to see?