Hello, dear forum visitors!
Need to share mu thotghts and memories.
This post is about homosexuality, gay male psychology. If you are homophobic please don’t read that.
I am a man, I am 25 years old now.
I have deep rooted contradictions and misunderstanding of common visions and generally accepted conceptions in the society.
I didn't like to play soccer when I was young and sometimes I was asked why you don't play all of the boys like to play that.
When I was a little boy, about 5 years old, I was inclined to isolate myself from other kids.
I remember I was feared to play soccer with other boys. I say soccer because I lived in Russia and there’s no baseball. Amongst boys there was a competition and a little aggressive atmosphere. I am very sensitive nature and I feel very uncomfortable when I am placed in a situation of pressure or when I am forced to do anything by other people. “Hit this ball! Why you hesitate! Run faster! “
The fear wasn’t caused by contacting with male gender particularly since I talked to some boys without any problems, If the talk was civilized, polite, warm and kind.
However I was placed in a mental conflict by the following. I felt being sexually attracted to boys but it was prohibited. Everyone was saying that F***** gays, fags, whatever. So inside of my head I said no one should know about me, in my head it was illegal. But one day one boy showed me his penis in a child’s camp. There were me, the boy who bared and the other boy in the room. I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, I am to some extent desiring it and, on the other hand, this is illegal. So I say “Don’t do that in front of me.” The other boy (not the boy who bared) says what’s wrong with that? You have the same penis in your underpants.
By the way, about that soccer, when boys played that game and girls were watching and cheering I wasn’t interested in neither player’s role or watcher’s role.
Now I am more to like individual sports like tennis, for example.
I was involved in watching it. And I felt out of place but I was involved in it. I felt weird and uncomfortable inside of myself.
I remember tending sometimes (not all of the time) to be around girls and playing valleyball with them.
I preferred sometimes to spend time with girls because they “gathered around me”, talked to me, were nice. However, I sometimes i was speechless and didn’t talk much with them.
Now I am more to like individual sports like tennis, for example.