Hey,

You have experienced a lot of rejection in your life and I am very sorry for that. The adults that were supposed to take care of you, were not there for you and even abandoned you. It is no wonder that you are confused.

I am not an expert on this, but I think that wanting to be close to somebody and being sexually attracted to somebody are two different things. There have been days that I felt so lonely, that I considered asking random people on the street to hug me. (I could always control this impulse, but the need for closeness was certainly very strong.) From the way you describe your feelings for your male friends I'd think you just wanted to be close to them.

Have you ever had therapy to learn how to deal with all those feelings? It might be a big relief to talk to someone about the way you feel. In the end, it doesn't matter if you are gay, straight or bisexual, but it does matter that you learn how to deal with your confusing feelings and how to enjoy relationships that make you happy.

All the best!