Triggering....just want to forewarn again!

I talked with T just a little on Monday about my past and wrote something down and had her read it. It was about how I am having flashbacks lately about one incident in particular and how I feel like I am just as sick as my abuser because I let him continue to do it. She said that it was NOT my fault and that someday I will understand that.
I don't think I will EVER feel like it was not my fault. I can't help but feel like I am as sick as he is because I liked it. that in itself is just sickening to me.
People tell me that it is just a normal reaction that kids have to being touched in an area that is meant to be stimulated when you are an adult. I am told that it's ok that my body just reacted in a normal fashion.
There are times where I imagine being touched....and I like it. I can understand if I were a child and liked it because it would be a normal reaction, but as an adult it's just.....wrong!
I think about SI a lot when I have this image in my head because it is just so very wrong and I want it to go away.
I wish that I would have an accident where I have amnesia or something.
I am just so confused and I don't know what to do about it. I am trying not to SI and I am trying to stop feeling guilty about something that was not my fault....even though I feel like it was.
Gosh am I just making any sense at all? I think I am just rambling now. Gonna go. Maybe if I try to just keep helping others I will feel better.

BJ