Okay.

*If* it wasn't my fault... I don't know if I'm comfortable blaming anyone. Does that make sense? I don't like conflict, and that causes such an internal conflict. I don't want to make people upset.

Okay. So *if* it wasn't my fault... how do I get over this?

I just feel... dirty.

If he was in a position of authority, then maybe it wasn't my fault.

But was he? I don't know.

I just live by the mantra of trying to protect others, and to help everyone else. Yes, I have control issues. I know that.

But I still struggle with the fact that maybe I didn't have control then. Maybe I still don't have control now.

If I didn't have control then, does that mean that everything bad that I do to myself isn't me controlling myself? That it's because of him, that he's still controlling me?

That scares me.

How can I make sense in my head? Other people in worse situations, I *know* it wasn't their fault. Never blame the victim. I just don't see myself as one, maybe that's part of the problem.

I've been accused of playing the victim, and it's always seen negatively. If there was another word for it, maybe that would help. Is there? I don't know.

Why do I want to re-'victimize' myself then?

Why would I put myself through that again?

It was bad enough the first time.

I just can't process the body responses. It's hard to process the feelings. But I can *rationally* agree with the fact that it wasn't my fault. I can *rationally* agree that it was an authority figure, and that I didn't really have power.

It's when my heart gets involved, and when my emotions get involved that it gets messy.