Hi T7 welcome to Psyh Central. First I want to say that I am sorry to learn about your father's passing, he was still very young so I am sure his getting sick and passing was extra hard on you.

Good for you that you decided to think about your behavior patterns that are unhealthy for your relationship and your family and that you have made and continue to make an effort to improve on. That's very commendable. How a parent behaves definitely affects how the children learn to behave and think is acceptable. A father's role is a very important role, especially with girls because the girls will most likely end up being treated the way they see dad treat their mother. As you have noticed your own behaviors can be like your mother's behaviors.

It sounds like your father's wishes to give you his pension was not set up in a way that could legally prevent your mother from insisting she get these payments instead of you. If she has the legal right because she was still legally married to him then there isn't much you can do about it. However, given how she can be toxic, perhaps her getting his pension will allow her to live away from you instead of you having to take her in so in a way it's still going to give you a benefit. After all, you don't need your own children to constantly be witnessing her often selfish behavior patterns. You are much better off keeping her at a distance with only a few visits. You also want to keep your wife's exposure to her at a minimum as well. So, let her have that pension as hopefully, it will keep her set up independent of you where she can live with that partner who puts up with her.

Hopefully, your mother will stay healthy and will continue to live independently from you. You have learned from her stay that it's best for all that she keep her distance.