If you know you are making the same mistakes then I feel you have indeed learned a lot. Don't lose sight of that. It is a huge step. Acceptance of what you've learned is hard and it takes time. You then have a huge opportunity to incorporate what you've learned into new life decisions for yourself. You'll do that in your own time when you're ready.

15 hospitalizations has me wondering two things. First, I wonder if you are perhaps missing something. Is there more you can take away from the experience that maybe you could find if you go in with a new eye? My experience was profound the first time around and I took a lot of valuable lessons from it. Secondly, I wonder if hospitalization has become comfortable. You know the drill, you know what to expect. You know how to get out once you're there. You said it is pathetic, so maybe there's hope that you're starting to become uncomfortable with it. Perhaps that can be motivation for change. I'm very hopeful for you.

Thank you for checking in today. You have a lot of people who genuinely care for you Spikes.