I just had a session with my t and it was a very difficult one. We were talking about how life seemed so unfair. I'd just told my t a big thing about my manic depression (I choose not to use the term bipolar) and I mentioned that it was unfair and followed it up by saying that I knew life was unfair. I told her that I got through my childhood by telling myself I'd turn 18 and I'd be OK. Then I started crying. I'm 23 and I'm not and in addition to having the PTSD, I have a life-long disability which in the depression causes hurt, the same hurt because hurt is hurt whatever the unfair cause. She asked me to come home and write what I feel and this is it.

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I don't cry very often and I cry less often in front of others. I didn't intend to cry, I usually keep my emotions further back, to protect me from them. The hurt of manic depression with the hurt of the abuse just ended up magnifying the hurt of the abuse. I don't like feeling like that. How can that be beneficial? I don't care if I'm normal in my hurt, it hurts so much!!! Maybe it isn't the most healthy thing to put my hurt in a vault in a corner of my mind, but why isn't it? I can deal with it on the intellectual level. I limit the hurt of the abuse; what's wrong with my method? Why do I have to deal with it on the emotional? I hurt and I want it to go away and stop interfering in my other thoughts and feelings. I put the hurt back in the vault. It's a little less now, but the vault doesn't seem as secure today as it did yesterday. I don't cry very often and I cried in front of my psychologist and I don't want to do it again.

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