i feel exactly like this..practically word for word..i have learnt to hate myself for it...the thought of being touched..even in abuse...is heart wrenching..becuase it's just a plain fact that our bodies react with pleasure...and that neearly kills me...remembering that now...because as a child i really believed i was loved...how could i have been so stupid...so so much guilt that i just want to shut down foreeer..yes i think of si every day...and yeah i can't bear it most days lately...just the flash backs and memories,...i keep drifting back and forward from being here...and floating off some place else...even as a right this....i hate it/