It sounds like oral sex causes you to much shame or doubt or whatever, and that all of these mixed signals are taking up too much "bandwidth" in your mind, for you to fully enjoy it. There were times in my life that I was ashamed of wanting oral sex and couldn't ask for it. Flash forward and I now realize that while some women are uncomfortable with giving head, many others really really like too. Like as much as we like giving head to them. I personally believe that our entire bodies, and not just our genitals, are and should be part of our sexual experience. There are even some FEMALE sex coaches that recommend that women swallow their partners cum every day because it is beneficial to them. I believe that oral sex is healthy, loving, innocent, and natural, and should be enjoyed by all. I think that YOU are perfectly natural and healthy in you desire, and that the only problems are your beliefs about oral sex. Good luck friend