In high school, I was DX anorexia / ocd, but it never got too out of control. I went to boarding school, and didn’t want to be sent home and in college too I played soccer and had to be a specific weight in order to play in the game. In retrospect, I doubt the ED dx.

In my twenties, a psychiatrist DX’d me with Panic Disorder/ OCD. I refused medication and just toughed it out.

In my late thirties, I had big stresses like losing a baby and getting a divorce. I didn’t want my work to suffer and I was anguished, so once again I went to a psychiatrist. He dx me with OCD, Panic Disorder, insomnia, and GAD. This time, I did take the meds: Lexapro, Lorazepam, Ambien XR 12.5.

Ten years later I tried talk therapy for the first time. My T gently and slowly disputed my kind of standard DX of OCD. He spent lots of time untangling my history, and like strange magic my lifelong OCD symptoms and habits relented. He dismissed all the prior Dx’s , replacing it with PTSD (chronic). He doesn’t think I need medication, but more in depth talk therapy. I still take Ambien though .

Sometimes therapy is grueling and I have trouble containing the dissociation to sessions. I will sometimes take Vyvanse to snap
Out of it and face a big stretch of work. That probably isn’t smart, but I can’t manage both therapy excavating csa and my real life with the coping skills I possess, especially as we have nearly eradicated the daydreamy dissociation that was my first and foremost defense. My Pcp doesn’t mind me taking Vyvanse bc she is super proud I stopped with lorazepam.