I avoided these kind of twisty, painful relationships in real life, so I can’t fathom how this one developed in therapy of all places. The psychoanalyst told me to read up on Kohut’s “ twinship” concept . It is like my T and I enact rather than process, and we might unfortunately have related areas of weakness / wounding and trigger each other . I don’t know. I am almost addicted to my T, like we are not just looking back at trauma but also recreating a version of it in real time. Like a car accident can be hard to look away from, these conflicts feel extra mesmerizing to something sick inside me that I never knew was there. It isn’t a premonition so much as intuition that things will likely come to a destructive end with my T despite good intentions on both sides and true care. The dynamic has a tidal pull. Right now, I have a viable option of a really suited older T to help, but he won’t likely be an option next time. However, I genuinely can’t afford him no matter how I run the numbers . I also don’t have the will power to be the one who looks away first. A great outcome would be this moment of hardcore standing up for myself creates a lasting sea change as our session was a sea change. I don’t truly believe entrenched dynamics can change radically, but unwisely I am goi g to see it through. It is wrong to say I love my T, but it is not romantic . It is bc he speaks my language.