Quote:
Originally Posted by SalingerEsme
I avoided these kind of twisty, painful relationships in real life, so I can’t fathom how this one developed in therapy of all places. The psychoanalyst told me to read up on Kohut’s “ twinship” concept . It is like my T and I enact rather than process, and we might unfortunately have related areas of weakness / wounding and trigger each other . I don’t know. I am almost addicted to my T, like we are not just looking back at trauma but also recreating a version of it in real time. Like a car accident can be hard to look away from, these conflicts feel extra mesmerizing to something sick inside me that I never knew was there. It isn’t a premonition so much as intuition that things will likely come to a destructive end with my T despite good intentions on both sides and true care. The dynamic has a tidal pull. Right now, I have a viable option of a really suited older T to help, but he won’t likely be an option next time. However, I genuinely can’t afford him no matter how I run the numbers . I also don’t have the will power to be the one who looks away first. A great outcome would be this moment of hardcore standing up for myself creates a lasting sea change as our session was a sea change. I don’t truly believe entrenched dynamics can change radically, but unwisely I am goi g to see it through. It is wrong to say I love my T, but it is not romantic . It is bc he speaks my language.
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No, no, no! OK, I understand the pull is enormous. I didn't get in close relationships in real life, either. I saw it "through", not with any particular T but with the idea of therapy in general, until the last T stopped it. We we were stuck in some sick dynamics, too. But I was determined not to quit. There was something there that was a key to who I am/was. . .I couldn't let go, until forced to. . .Maybe haven't let go entirely yet.
I think it does have to do with ego -- yours and your T's. And I think twinship may be a key to getting beyond that -- but not with a T still stuck in bad ego-s..t dynamics. Does no one here speak your language? Or somewhere else in your life?
Also, if the alternative T is that great, I don't know why he has to work only for an exhorbitant fee. Either -- he really isn't such a great alternative or maybe he might be willing, like Lonelyinmyheart said, to consider. . .well, alternatives there, too. Stand up for yourself and ask? What's the worst that can happen? He will say no -- maybe ridicule you for asking? In which case, no matter how wonderful his reputation and status is . . .I'm not so sure that idealizing him would be a good idea anyway.