Copying this from another thread--was in reply to my saying how T has told me he doesn't believe in unconditional love, which I said surprised me because he's a parent. But he said there are things his son could do that would make him stop loving him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nik87
That’s odd.. I’ve been on the fence about your T but have kept quiet because I know you already have a lot of opinions being thrown at you. I think your t has been right about some things but I truly feel like you could be better helped by a different T. I feel like the 2 of you will always be in some type of off and on conflict. That’s not healthy. His comment about unconditional love solidifies it about the constant conflict you will have with him. He is a bit cold, standoffish and keeps you at arms length ( with some warm, connecting moments in between). You seem like a warm and loving person. It’s like trying to connect the back of two magnets. You will get close at times but ultimately, your never going to get the full understanding that you deserve. My T was warm and loving.. it was so healing for me. I hope you find that some day.

Thanks, Nik. I like the comparison of the back of two magnets trying to connect. And it's like every now and then, one of them flips over and we do really connect. So I know it's possible, and I crave those moments. I mean, it happens fairly often on a smaller scale--a shared laugh during session, a certain smile/look he gives me, his genuine understanding of something I'm dealing with, many other things. I don't know that "microconnections" is an actual term, but it jumps to mind. At times it feels like a long-term friendship, where you just know each other so well, how to make the other one laugh, what a small physical gesture means, etc. I can tell he genuinely cares about me.

But then it's seemed like in some of the moments when I've needed him most, he hasn't been there--in fact, if anything, he's pushed me away. I know he's trying to keep me from being dependent on him, and in his mind, he thinks some of that is what's best for me. But it also really hurts. But then we talk through those times, I realize he's ultimately just looking out for me, not wanting me to repeat what happened with ex-MC, and it all makes sense to me. It feels like how a parent should be, trying to teach me to stand on my own two feet. That if he just gave me what I wanted all the time, then wouldn't I just become hopelessly dependent on him? What reason would I have to learn and use the tools to handle things on my own and/or with people in my circle other than him? So it's like emotion and logic, child and adult, are at battle in my head over him.

I feel at times that I'm playing something out with him, something I need to play out. Something from my childhood. Like he's my emotionally distant father, and I can say things to T now that I couldn't to my father then (or that I'd feel bad saying to him now). And my T will engage with me in ways that my dad didn't. I don't know...it feels like I have business to finish with my T. But the fact that he doesn't really work with transference makes that extra difficult. As he takes it all to be about him (countertransference?), when most of it isn't--at least, most of the emotion behind it. Like why it bothered me that he wouldn't stand when I left and he took it as me controlling him when I was just trying to express a want (which is something I tend to have trouble doing). He is standing when I leave now, incidentally...apparently he realized it wasn't such an imposition after all.

Just thinking out loud. I have contacted another T, one who I saw once for a session earlier this year (who does not know this T personally) about consulting with her again. She's willing to do so, we just keep missing each other over email (I think she's out of town). So hopefully I can talk to her soon. And if not her, then someone else.