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LonesomeTonight · Sep 02, 2019, 07:32 AM

Hm, I guess I never update this thread with the stuff from two Fridays ago, when I was feeling really awful and reached out to T over email, and it devolved into a total mess, with him sending me a very long, rather harsh (at one point saying I was being manipulative) email at 10 pm on a Friday...I could share that here if people haven't seen it and are interested. I'd posted it on the Couch, but many people seemed to think my T was making total sense in what he was saying and being a good T, so I started to doubt my own feelings about it. We met that Sunday (he works some Sundays), with me thinking I might terminate. We talked it all through, he helped me understand why he'd reacted that way--he was "frustrated" with me and had felt "trapped" into replying to me twice on a Friday night because

Possible trigger:

I'd mentioned desires for SH and SUI, and he said he had this feeling that maybe I wasn't going to stay safe. I said during that session that maybe he shouldn't have said certain negative things to me when I was in that state--how they could have potentially pushed me further in a negative place (they kinda did, but a friend helped me get through it), that they could have waited until session when I was more stable, and he seemed to agree with that. How it was coming out of his frustration and a bit of fatigue (was late on a Friday). I said he could have just told me that if I was feeling that bad, I needed to contact a crisis line or go to the ER--which is what he's said before when I ask him how he deals with a client in crisis, if it's a time when they can't come in for a session. That he could possibly talk to them for 5 minutes to assess their situation. I didn't say this in session, but I feel he broke his own boundaries there and was maybe annoyed at him self for it and then taking it out on me in a way.

To put part of that outside the trigger--I was worried when he said he was frustrated with me. But he said that he could be frustrated with me, but that it doesn't threaten the relationship. That everyone gets frustrated with other people sometimes. They just may not share it. That he's trying to help me see how relationships can have conflicts, but that's OK, you can work through them. It doesn't mean the other person is going to leave. Which I said feels like a lesson I missed out on as a kid, because my parents never had conflicts in front of me, and I got the overt and covert message from them that I should keep my emotions inside or it would threaten relationships. I was also an only child so no siblings to fight with. I became a people pleaser. I had the message in my head that if I upset someone, then they'd leave. And a few relationships (a teacher, some romantic ones, a friendship) seemed to prove that belief. So it's hard for me to accept it now, but I think it's something I need to understand. And T is trying to show me that in real time with our relationship. (I could say more on all that, but this is long enough!)

We talked about a bunch of other therapeutic relationship stuff that session, and I felt much better about things. I felt connected to him. I was supposed to see him for half session the next day (the Sunday was extra session) before leaving for vacation with my parents, but...ended up having to cancel because I ended up in ER for purely physical reasons (rapid heart rate--I'm OK, they checked me out and got it back down, think it was dehydration from an illness). So ended up pushing back vacation (H and D were already there) and met with him a bit Tuesday to talk about how much the ER thing had scared me

Possible trigger:

like I said to him as I laid there waiting for my results, it was like, "What if they come back and tell me I'm dying?" And T said very quietly, "I'm glad you're not dying."

So the session was really more about that, nothing else from Sunday was addressed. Then I went to the vacation for a few days, and it was OK, but I was extremely emotional when I first got down there and thought maybe I needed to just leave. Part of me wanted to email T (he was headed out of town but said he'd still be checking and responding once a day), but then I was like, "But what if he yells at me again?" Which made me feel really sad... I got lots of emotional support from my H (I would have turned to him anyway in this case), didn't contact T and have managed not to contact him since. He's back in the office tomorrow, and I see him then.

I did lots of thinking about my T, partly thanks to 3-hour drives to/from location. My emotions ranged from feeling incredibly grateful that he clearly cares about me very much and has stuck with me, through various conflicts and my challenging and questioning him. To my really struggling with some of what he said in the email, having trouble getting past the words he used when I was in a bad mental state. Wondering if maybe he's just tired of dealing with me and chose to be harsh in the hopes that I'd leave. To wondering, even if that's not the case, if he's not pushing me away, if I should leave anyway. Still not sure where I stand, planning on consultation in next week or two. But maybe the time apart, doing our own things, could have done us both good? I guess we'll see...