if things are so abysmal then why are you writing here? if you are asking for support (which is what I guess you are doing by using a self help forum) you must believe there is a chance for help. doesn't that contradict your whole "I don't give a damn because life sucks" attitude?

everybody has had crap happen to them. everyone. trust me.
you are stuck with your past because well, it is indeed your past. you made some critical mistakes. yea, now you live with them. but they are not the end of it all. plenty have been in your place and have been able to move on. making subtle comments about violence or suicide aren't really the way to go...you have such passion for the wrong ways and treatment ...too bad you can't shift that outlook just a little.

and why not use something temporary like a walk for even just a small positive change? what harm would that do? change. can't fix the total picture without starting on a small spot. life will suck as long as you decide it will...make the change...