Thanks, Mickey. There is room for arguing that some are indeed deserving of their suffering. Or at least, I feel I am in such a position as to not be able to complain about it without being called a hypocrite, so I've learned to rub my own face in it as much as possible. No, I cannot afford therapy, and can barely afford to pay my bills. lol Online therapy is not something I care to do simply because of my (seemingly) justified paranoia about government intrusiveness, and Google's social engineering programs they deny exist. My therapy consists of slowly bleeding out the poison through the medium of pen and ink. I seem to recall having written a poem about that very thing. I work, I come home, I go to the Commonwealth circa 2287 AD via my computer, and then I go to bed. Rinse, repeat. Every time I try to get these people in my life who call themselves friends to come over and hang out, there is always an excuse. Remember Field of Dreams, if you build it they will come? lmao Mine would be, Don't bother building it, they won't come.

I loathe the life I am forced to live, and I hate myself with an abiding passion for putting myself in this position, which is why I have no problem doing damage to myself every time I find some new way I have ****ed up again.

Here would be the cycle for those who can't see it:

----> Isolation ----> Rumination ----> Anger/Resentment ----> Obsessive thinking ----> Rage ----> Self Harm/Acting Out ----> Alienation from peers ----> Isolation...

That's just the broader one, and I'm sure we can spend all day breaking this down further into more and more cycles. Oh, yeah. They brainwashed me good in there. I know all the terms. Pretty sure it's a form of Stockholm syndrome, now that I think about it plainly. Haha, doing their dirty work for them.

Family consists of a mother, an uncle who lives 1,000 miles away, and estranged cousins. The problem is, I have no desire to live such a life, and a relationship, from a cold, clinical point of view, would have given me a support system that I could "grow," and have become to rigid and brittle to be flexible enough to keep trying. I don't have the resilience or endurance for it anymore, and that leaves only one option which I detest considering. Too neurotic for a relationship anyway.