Your feelings are COMPLETELY understandable, @Shi m, and I am SO SORRY for what you're BOTH going through! On one hand, he is your father. On the others hand, if he's abusive to you or is neglecting you it's hard to have too much of an emotional attachment. Your feelings are COMPLETELY valid so please don't feel guilty about them! My advice would be to take ALL the time you need to grieve your Loss if your father will TRULY pass away. Hopefully nothing bad will happen to him. If he does, grieve your Loss and allow yourself to feel sad about it, or whatever other emotion you will feel at the moment of his passing. Remember that feelings are never WRONG as you can't really control them. So feel whatever you want to feel, accept it, embrace it. That's ALL you can do! Hopefully you'll be able to work on yourself as well. Are you currently seeing a Therapist? I feel like that could help A LOT so please give it a thought if you can afford it and if you're not seeing one already of course! Please treat yourself with kindness. I hope your father will get out of this ok. Nevertheless, even though he IS your father, you don't "owe" him anything if he's treating you badly so definitely get out of the house if it's a possibility for you. Are there ANY other Family Members you can reach out to? Any Friends? Do you go to school? Can you talk to your Teachers? In ANY case, PLEASE TREAT YOURSELF WITH AS MUCH KINDNESS AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need SOMEONE to talk to and when you need Advice And Support of ANY kind, ok? PLEASE DO THAT IF YOU WISH TO DO SO! I AM SURE PLENTY OF OTHERS WILL ALSO GLADY HELP YOU AS WELL IF YOU JUST AKS FOR HELP! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @Shi m, Your Family, Your Friends And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN!