What I get from your message is that you are an attention seeker. The problem is it seems not you, nor anyone else, knows what you need. You just know you desparately need it and doing all you know how to do.

I don't know what to tell you other than keep trying, but find some new places and ways to look for what it is that is eating at you. What you have been doing is not working, as you plainly see.

Work at it from every new angle you can dream up. Discard the failures and don't do the obviously doomed ideas.

You have read it a hundred times here, find a therapist you can work with, if you haven't already. Keep posting here. Sometimes it takes a long time to shake an apple out of the tree.

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are