Quote:
Originally Posted by atisketatasket
I guess I just do not see why it has to balance? I mean, Info won’t go all gooey on me about how she cares (the woman can learn) but she will say “I felt attacked when you said x like that.” To me it’s useful information, not a negative reaction (and I can see why she feels attacked when I think about it) and it’s helped me irl a bit. Like, do you think maybe other people feel manipulated by you? If not, it’s not useful information for you, if yes it could be.
I see it as a friend’s job to tell you the first, and also the second, but I don’t see it as the therapist’s job to tell you the first at all, nice as that might be. I see their job as a lot closer to telling you the second, though maybe not so directly as he does. When did he say “you’re being manipulative”? I remember him saying “I felt manipulated,” which is different, and takes responsibility for his own feelings.
Piaf once told me to quit being the therapist, to stop asking about her negative reactions to me. It annoyed me at the time but in retrospect I think she was right. Exploring his negative reactions from the pov of understanding his feelings seems pointless. That’s about him, not you. Exploring your negative reactions to him is much more on point.
By now it’s pretty clear you don’t want what he has to offer as a therapist, so why not move on? It’s a pain to start again but I would not say he has been unuseful to you.
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These are some good points. I said today to him that I'm torn between the fact that I'm not used to being in relationships where someone is brutally honest with me (T: "I try not to be brutal." Me: "OK, fully honest."), so I don't know if this is normal and something I just need to deal with . But it's also something that really hurts sometimes, like I can feel much worse after things he 's said to me (not difficult topics in therapy--not expecting them to be a bed of roses--but things he's said to me). I have no idea what the line is. Like helpful but painful vs. just hurtful.
And as for the manipulative thing, this is what he said in the email: "I do not appreciate your comment of 'I need to find someone who will'. It's not the first time you have made a comment of this kind, and I interpret it as a threat and manipulative." Bear in mind, he knew I was feeling
when he wrote that. I know he shouldn't handle me with kid gloves, but I mentioned again today how it might not have been the right time to tell me that, how he could have just told me next session when I was more stable. He agreed with that and...I think apologized? sorta?
I think he's very much been useful to me. I've made lots of progress in certain areas (he agrees with this). But I wonder if I've just hit a brick wall with him, that to move forward, I need someone else. Even...I could potentially see someone else for some stretch of time then go back to him (he's said in the past that he'd be fine with this, that I could go elsewhere, then come back at any time). Like I just wonder if some part of me needs healing or attention or whatever that T can't/isn't skilled enough/isn't willing to give me right now before I can really move forward. Hoping the consulting T I'm seeing Friday can help me figure that out (and perhaps I could even see her longer term, too).