So September is generally when I start shopping for Christmas.

But here's the thing. I get very suicidal during the month of Christmas and self-harm, and it's over gift-giving. I slaved over a tremendous amount of gifts for my parents and had a less than enthusiastic reaction to what I got them. In fact, they didn't react very well to most of my gifts. I noticed that over the past five years, since my brother went into the military, that my parents have just not liked what I get them, and each year I try to get creative and get them different things.

To be honest, I really don't want to get my parents anything for Christmas. A couple months ago I offered to pay for Christmas dinner, and they seemed excited about it. But last week, when Christmas presents got brought up again and I reminded them about the Christmas dinner, they seemed hurt that I wouldn't be buying them any presents.

So I don't know what to do. I am hoping that if I don't buy them presents and instead buy them Christmas dinner, it might lessen the suicidal thoughts and the self-harm, but I'm also worried that come Christmas I haven't bought them any presents, it could make the symptoms and the self-harm worse.

What should I do? I'm absolutely torn.

EDIT: Also, gift-giving is not the only reason I get those symptoms, but it's a major trigger. I also suffer from PTSD and December is the peak of major flashbacks for times of trauma that happened around that time. And there's of course the month of the "happy family" and that's not an easy feat as well. If there's drama or fights, they are always amplified over "IT'S CHRISTMAS!"

I also feel particularly lonely during that time. Usually friends are busy with family, and often times I have to go to family functions with really dysfunctional relatives and I feel even lonelier even around a big group of so-called "family". And now that I've moved, my friends are a thousand miles apart so we can't do our little BFF-holiday traditions and I've made no friends since I've moved here.

So the whole month of December is a very, very rough time for me.