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Sep 04, 2019, 03:58 AM
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Member Since: Jul 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 2,741
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Quote:
Originally Posted by here today
I do not think that therapists really understand much about this at all. They have some interesting ideas and concepts I can relate to, and are a start, perhaps, at some general understanding, but that is it as far as I can see.
I would really like to read some stories of people who have successfully been through this stuff and made it to the other side. Maybe it would tell something about the journey and some clues. Maybe it's just us clients who have to find our way, or not, but maybe there are some clues for therapists, too?
For me it was all or nothing. So no putting up 90% of the brick wall, the concrete block house was not an option. Just wasn't. Inside there was -- still is -- a burned infant, with no epidermis, it was all burned off. Well, maybe there's a little skin now, but I still so remember the feeling of that burned infant, once I re-felt it in the rejection and contemptuous glances of my last therapist -- reenactment? Probably, it still was horrible hurt, and she couldn't tolerate my cries and complaining about it. Numb the infant out and put the concrete block house completely back up? I could still do that, but what would be the point?
On the other hand -- and please let me know if you don't want to hear this kind of thing from me -- the following comments of yours:
reminds me of the idea that Kohut's self-objects are needed to create or bolster a sense of self. You FEEL LIKE your self worth is coming from him and this is a deep, early non-logical relational process. Needed for the development of a healthy self and independent, psychological skin (not wall). In the self-object concept, the others ARE us, in a way, for awhile developmentally at least. What you have written here is definitely consistent with that theory, and maybe if psychologists understood that process better, even if it's just from the outside, not the inside like us, it might help.
I tried to talk about this kind of stuff with my last T, to use my cognition to try to help put things together and understand, but she wouldn't have it. SHE had to be the expert, or something. So -- if these ideas are helpful, you can keep them to yourself, they belong to you, if you want them. Toss them out if you don't.
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Kohut’s Self Psychology
Kohut (1971, 1977, 1984) emphasized how early caregiving experiences play an important role in fostering the development of a cohesive sense of self by meeting critical
developmental needs, needs he referred to as selfobject needs. According to Kohut (1984),
there are three major types of selfobject needs that influence the developing self:
mirroring, idealizing, and twinship. A healthy mirroring selfobject experience, such as
being the gleam in the parent’s eye, facilitates self-esteem, ambitions, and the ability to
assert oneself later in life. Unlike mirroring needs, idealizing selfobject needs stem from
the desire to rely on or merge with an idealized other in times of stress, similar to a desire
to seek the resources of a secure attachment figure. When idealizing selfobject needs are
met, they foster a healthy sense of ideals and internal values and promote self-soothing
and emotion regulation. Selfobject needs for twinship include our need to belong, to be
acknowledged as a fellow human being, and to feel connected to a similar other. Twinship
selfobject needs that are met facilitate a sense of connection to a larger group, intimacy,
and feelings of belongingness.
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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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