I agree that we both seem hung up on semantics. Which is not a good combination. He's definitely helped me in certain areas of my life. Perhaps ironically, I think one of those areas is contributing to our conflicts lately--my standing up for myself more and letting myself feel and express anger. It feels like from his perspective, he can be honest and direct, but when I do it, it's not so OK. I'm just sick of him taking everything personally instead of looking at it therapeutically. I feel like I have to protect his feelings, and I don't want to do that. I said something about that yesterday, he said I don't have to worry about his feelings, and I said but if I don't and am honest, he lashes out at me (or something like that). I forget what he said, probably just said he was being honest.

I'm aware that I ultimately need to fix what's going on with me emotionally and learn my own coping mechanisms (I've gotten better with that, too). But I feel that part of a T's role is to help me figure out how to do that. He'll talk about assorted coping/self-care things, taught me a few breathing exercises, but I feel like he's not helping me with some of the other elements. Like the deeper-seated stuff vs. how to cope in the moment. Maybe I've just used up whatever therapeutic resources he has, and now we're just stuck in some repeating cycle (I mentioned to him how I feel we're stuck in a cycle, too).

I cancelled tomorrow's session (told T to keep me on for Monday) and will see the consulting T Friday. I'm looking around for other potential longer-term therapists, too. I think I either need to terminate with T or at least take an extended break while I see someone else--or perhaps a break from therapy in general, I don't know...like take a month off, see how I feel? I just know I can't do this anymore. Therapy shouldn't be making me feel worse--I mean, yeah, there are difficult topics, and of course I'm not going to feel great talking about them. But the therapeutic relationship itself shouldn't be making me feel worse...