I am overwhelmed at work at the moment. I'm taking a few minutes to decompress. I might need hours to decompress but I don't have hours to decompress. I see T tonight. I kind of don't want to see her even though I know I need to see her being how Sui I've been. She usually discounts how Sui I am and that gets really annoying. She's not in my head. She doesn't know what it feels like to be me when I feel that way. I can try to explain it but I don't think I do a good job and so then she's like well, you're still here. Well, yeah, but you don't know the lengths that I go through to stay alive. I really want to SH but I know if I do I will be very dissociative when it comes time for the appointment. So I need to not be that way.