It is often encouraged that we who suffer from depression pursue things that have, in the past, outside of depression, been or are things we enjoy, things that are our passion or bliss.

I used to be involved in theatre, and it was a big part of the joy in my life. It has been a decade since I have done anything remotely related, and almost two decades since I have been involved in an acting capacity.

I decided to audition for a show I've wanted to be a part of in some way, and I ended up getting a role. As we stumble toward opening weekend in a little over a week, I find myself in mental/emotional place that is worse than when I started. Now I am not making a direct connection between one affecting the other in negative ways, but I am making the observation that the opposite expectation or hope is what I experiencing right now.

If it was an endeavor that effected only me, like hiking or running or knitting, I would just take a break and regroup, coming back to it when I felt more able to cope. However, the nature of theatre being a colaborative activity involving many others makes this impossible. I feel stuck and depressed, in something that I should be feeling encouraged in doing. It sucks.

Feeling so low just makes it all the more difficult to study, practice, and remember my lines and blocking (movement on stage). Rehearsals are just efforts in not feeling like a failure, even if I will probably be okay when it's all said and done.