Today’s session flew by. I began by telling R about the season of micro-anniversaries. ‘They don’t register for anybody else, but I can’t forget them. The day after our last meeting was the anniversary of the cinema experience.’
R asked me how that felt, and I talked about feeling as though it shouldn’t be a big deal, and yet it was.
‘When you talk about that, I have a real sense of you learning something about yourself. When I learn something new about myself, it is a shock: ‘I didn’t know I could feel that way about that situation.’ Somehow, I began to talk about Chris’ illness, and the realisation that she was no longer in remission.
‘When you receive news like that, it can take time for your emotions to catch up.’
I talked about how I didn’t understand that Chris’ illness had spread. ‘It sounds macabre to call it a project, but it was. That understanding came five years later.’
I said that I had lost track of the point I wanted to make, picked up my journal and put it down: ‘I’ve said that bit.’
‘What would help?’

‘I’m not sure…’

‘Shall we take some deep breaths together?’ R held my hands and we took a few breaths. ‘Try to visualise the path you want the words to take. It’s there, and it is clear…Turn the filter down, and tell the Critic to go away.’
I said that I was concerned I wasn’t communicating clearly. ‘You’ve been communicating pretty clearly for the last two and a half years…we’ve got this far. You’ve got this far.’
‘It’s one thing to watch somebody die, but to watch them decline of their own choice…**** off, that’s just mean.’ We talked more about my feelings towards the people, and I mentioned Kim’s grief-shaming email before the adventure centre trip.
‘Oh, wow.’ I expressed hurt that the support I thought I had received had actually been part of the game. We also talked about my fear of expressing compassion now, because I don’t know where the limit is. ‘To over-simplify it…you’ve been burnt.’
We ended up talking about the article she’d shared, and I mentioned that the author thought constructive anger was only possible when the person was present. ‘Obviously that’s not possible.’ Caught off-guard, I began to laugh.
‘Come on – share the joke.’

‘If I passed them in the street, I would be more likely to say ‘**** off and have a nice day!’
‘That’s hilarious, but also true to you.’

R said she thought my impression of healing this anger is very neat, but the anger over this situation – ‘I’m using the word deception’ is far more complex.
‘You’re giving anger a bad rep.’