T session yesterday: T came and got me pretty much on time. She was wearing a brown and white tie die dress, brown leggings, black shoes, a cream colored crocheted sweater, and a black jacket (it wasn't that cold), and she was wearing black flowers in her hair. She commented that I'm tall (I'm 5'6"). I said, "I guess I am." (Even though I consider myself average.) She asked me how things were going. I told her I had been really depressed and having suicidal feelings/thoughts. I told her I hadn't SH-ed in 16 days to which she was very happy about. I told her I was close to SH-ing on Tuesday when the suicidal thoughts were relentless. She said, yes but you didn't. (Yes, but not helpful). She asked me what I had done instead. I told her a friend had texted me and I ended up texting back and forth with her and letting her know how I was doing (not good).


She asked me what I do for fun? What do I do that brings me joy? I really struggled with this. I told her that depression sucks the life out of you. I told her things I used to enjoy but don't do much anymore. She said, well then you need something else. So she suggested baking. No, I really don't like baking. She said I'm a creative person, so I need to be doing something creative. These sounded like things you would tell someone who is mildly depressed, not someone who would have offed themselves the day before had they the means to do so. I struggled in session to let her know how intense the feelings were. I told her I had been tempted to go to the hospital because of how bad I was feeling. No response. I might as well have been talking to the wall. I gave up. We talked about TV shows and movies. It was a waste of time and I felt unheard and not helped.

Comments Okay.