I'm not sure I can PM anymore. The chat function seems to have vanished. Which is why I no longer go in chatrooms.

The problem, I think, is that for every possible way out of the situation, I can easily find (and I mean my logic speed is just shy of the light barrier) and see all the flaws for that particular method. I can smell losing probabilities the way most people can smell cookies from three houses over, and by losing probabilities, I mean the odds that in any given circumstance. It's part of the Pattern, and the Pattern is mathematically perfect, which means it is impossible to be wrong. Yes, I may be wrong in small aspects of my conception of the Pattern, but the overarching theme is correct.

Life is nothing but a series of probabilities intersected by chance and circumstance. There are odds of anything and everything happening. Nothing is impossible, only highly improbable. Everything is connected. And the Pattern, that universal tree of probability chains, is unbreakable. That is why trying to find a solution is pointless. Any solution I find at this point is likely to have odds so astronomical attached to it (because I've run out of options of better odds) that it might as well be impossible. I have exhausted all possibilities within my reach, which makes me keenly aware when a new wrinkle in the Pattern appears. That wrinkle might take the form of someone walking through the door at work. It might be an opportunity to do something--doesn't matter what. Each of us is born with a Pattern, and external set of probabilities that are the result of every single particle's existence in this universe taking the path they did from the moment of the big bang until now. Star blows its nuclear chunks all over a galaxy 12 billion light years away? Doesn't matter. Already had an influence on our earthly Patterns 12 billion years ago, and now, we just reap the results. Everything is connected. Everyone is connected. Each person's Pattern is unique; some are born with better odds, even if those odds aren't readily apparent, and they are a result of the Pattern's formation. I just happened to have been born with an odds-poor Pattern, which means my Pattern has a higher probability of being distortional rather than synchronous, which means that all the events of my life are shaded by that distortion.

Nothing to be done about it, nothing can change it; we can only adapt and endure. If you suddenly hit the lottery, that's because some alpha particle went up instead of down somewhere in your life. It has nothing to do with character or choice beyond the choices that lead you to be in the place where you could buy that ticket. This is an uncomfortable road because it questions free will. Free will is an illusion generated by the anomaly called consciousness. Yes, consciousness itself is an anomaly partly explained by the strong version of the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis which, besides saying that our language determines our thoughts, seems to indicate that time itself is not linear. This was illustrated in the movie Arrival. Time, mathematically, is not linear because it's a part of space, meaning movement causes time to pass. So if you move from point A to point B, you will have also moved along the timeline it took to make that journey. However, time is space and space is everywhere, which means we have the ability to "remember" the "future."

Enter my OCPD and whatnot because my intrusive thoughts are so bad that I find myself thinking I don't want to remember this (whatever it is at the moment) when I'm dying, which in turn allows my mind to wonder if I am just getting glimpses of memories of the future when I feel my stomach sink in instant anxiety. There's more I want to get across, but I don't know how to put it in words. Like, I wonder sometimes if I'm already dead (which, mathematically, we all are since time and space are the same thing) and just remembering these events as though I am living them? If that makes sense. That's very close to the sense of what I'm trying to say, but still not quite. Like, I try to avoid anything that I may recall with unpleasantness when I die so I don't have to have yet one more thing to regret.

Sapir-Whorf frightens me because of it's implications on life and death; however, the Pattern says that the universe repeats endlessly, big bang after big bang, over and over. I only wish I could remember between aeons so I wouldn't repeat the same mistakes every frickin' cycle. lol It's like my mind just sucks in anything it can to feed my physics/mathematics obsession, which is ironic since I hated math in high school and couldn't understand it. Now, I read Kaluza-Klein and the Banach-Tarski paradox like it's the newspaper and understand damn near everything that is said on an intuitive level, even if I don't necessarily understand the mathematical mechanics and underpinnings.

This, of course, leads to yet another delusion: that if I can somehow learn enough, take in enough information, I can out-logic death, even if it means physically dying but my consciousness staying in tact. Nothing is impossible, only highly improbable, right? The visual image I get in response from the id is that of the Lawnmower Man, attempting to find the way out of his digital prison before the time runs out, and none of the combinations are working.