I "became" a long time ago. Now I'm only becoming increasingly more angry at the arrogance, lies, hypocrisy, greed, broken promises and abject poverty I continue to see grow throughout the world. I only see people forming into groups in order to attack or protect themselves from other groups. The only response I get is either it will never change or I should just forget about it all. Apparently I'm not supposed to care about people, especially if they are brown or "uncivilized." I don't pray for myself - I'm ready to die. I pray for THEM.

I'm having more and more problems following rules. I don't have any money, professional credentials, or physical abilities that would make me worthwhile to any of these groups - or society. I refuse to be anyone's puppet or mascot (poster child).

I'm not the beloved grandmother sitting in a nursing home. I'm more like one of those patients in the New Orleans nursing home who was too heavy to lift to avoid drowning. I'm too much of a burden on society, and I'm becoming more angry and more burdensome. It won't be long before people start calling me an animal, a savage, an insurgent, a terrorist, or just plain old crazy because they don't know how to "fix" me. It won't be long before people insist I be put down because I've become too ugly and uncivilized. It won't be long before researchers beg my husband for my body, so they can pick me apart and concur they know everything about me, my life, and this wretched disease. It won't be long before they pat each other on the backs at the experiments conducted and articles they published after tearing me apart.

I don't want to go out like my mother did - in leather restraints surrounded by strangers (nurses) yelling at her to obey their orders (stay in bed). She deserved better than that - she tried very hard to live her life according to the rules people placed on her.

I hope I didn't make a mistake by posting in your thread. Sorry for the mess - hope I don't disappear.