Understood about all the ugliness in the world. It's only getting worse. I understand that.
Kudos to you that you don't abuse drugs! It takes a very strong person to face what they have to face in this life like you are doing.
All I can offer you at this point is prayer, if you don't mind.
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Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.