It's funny how no matter how much I can know something in my head, my heart hasn't accepted it and hopes for something different. I KNOW that to you I'm just a client. I have no misunderstandings around that. I know I'm one of several, that I pay you and it will never be anything else. I know you genuinely care, that isn't under question, but I know and respect the limitations of our alliance. I've never believed differently. And yet...my heart seems to. My heart still hurts at the realisation you have children who you see every day and care for in a way you'll never care for me. It hurts to consider the idea that you will never be anything other than a therapist. It hurts that you will never be truly a part of my life, in terms of the everyday. My heart believes in something special and wants to be your no 1. It's crazy. As I read someone say somewhere, that's the beauty and the tragedy of the therapy relationship. I wish I could talk to you about how I feel about all this but I can't. The issue came up once, ages ago, if you remember, when you had an emergency re one of your kids. That hurt so much I vowed never to talk about it. And I never have because what's the point? I expect you will say all feelings are important, they all matter, and you told me at the time that it wasn't stupid and you understood how I felt about you mentioning your child. But it still feels a horrible and absolutely impossible place to go. My head knows it won't change anything and it's time to just stop being so silly. T is my T, not a parent! My heart says differently...I miss you T, I've not having a good day/