The new therapist I am seeing talked to a PA-C at the practice who says she can see me at the end of September, so I have an appointment for then.

It feels so far away and Im not sure it will even help. No matter what medication they give me Ill just remain broken. There is nothing they can do for that.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I just feel so alone. So hurt. And so afraid. I spend time with my family and that helps, they are all being really kind to me right now, but I cant talk to them about things because it just makes them sad and I dont want to do that to them. So mostly I am alone.

Im not much of a crier except for right now. Usually crying is just not possible really for me because of my schizoaffective disorder negative symptoms. Or something. I dont know for sure Im not a psychologist I guess but Ive been told I have a flat affect in person mostly, so I guess crying might actually be something that is good for me. It shows that I do have the ability and because I used to not have it, and would need a release, I would self harm. So crying is better than that.

I just want things to feel better. I hate crying, I really hate it, it hurts and I feel so afraid. I dont know how anyone can help except by listening- but I dont want to put anyone out.