@@, this is mostly in reply to your post: Something K brought up yesterday is she gets the sense I'm playing out something from childhood with T, like about one or both of my parents. I said most likely my father, because he didn't really show emotion or affection (he does more now, actually). And I've said to T numerous times that I think x reaction I'm having is not just about him, but it's about something from childhood. But he never seems to agree with that. He'll say that no, he does think it's about him. So, it's like I want to explore those angles, but he doesn't seem to want to. I know it's my therapy. But if he doesn't seem open to tying in my reactions in the present with stuff from my past, it makes it difficult to explore with him. I guess that's part of what I meant about him making it about him. Rather than thinking, for example, "Hm, LT is reacting really strongly to the wanting me to stand thing--I imagine there's something else going on there." And asking me about it. But instead, even when I say "I think it's about other stuff, too," he'll continue to go on about how it affected him and how he thinks it's just about his being on vacation or my wanting more control of him. Even though I say, "No, it's more than that." I think that's what's become particularly frustrating lately. I *do* want to do that work. I want to figure out what's going on with my reactions to him and other people. But if he doesn't seem to want to go along with it, it becomes very difficult to work on it with him.

And that's part of why I think I need a different T with a different orientation, to be able to work on stuff like that. For the T to have insights about things that maybe I'm missing.

As for strategies, he's done a little bit of that, but then just keeps repeating the same ones (exercise, meditation, hobbies like painting, reaching out to other people in my social network). And I use them, some quite a bit. But some of them can only go so far. I'm just wondering if I've exhausted his "bag of tricks" (he's said each T only has so much in their bag of tricks). I feel stuck, and it seems like he feels stuck, and I don't know where to go from here (I suppose I could say that line to him, couldn't I?) I think I need a new perspective, a different voice.

So, it's really not just all about he's telling me things I don't want to hear. For a long time, even though many were saying I should leave him and I was having doubts, I kept having this feeling of "I need to see this through." But, pardon my awful grammatical construction here, I'm starting to wonder: What am I trying to see through *to* with him? And is he the one to help me get there? I think I just need to try someone else on for a bit, see what it feels like (not the one I saw yesterday--it's possible I could use her to help transition if I have trouble finding someone with whom I feel comfortable, but I don't see her as a long-term therapist for me). I'm sick of the conflicts with T. They're often causing more stress and anguish in my life than what's going on in my actual life. And I don't see how that's ultimately helping me.