Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight
Sure, here's a few recent examples (I know others might disagree with these being about him):
--His talking about feeling "trapped" into replying to me a couple Fridays ago when I was in a bad place
--His saying he was worried about liability and admitting how that was selfish of him
--His saying how he doesn't like to be micromanaged or controlled. And then going on (in email) about how he's the same way in his outside life and that he also doesn't expect other people to do something just because he asks them to (I don't care what he does in his real life).
--His talking about how it felt manipulative that I said maybe I needed a different T
--His saying it would be a problem if his backup T "stole" me from him. Then later, when I asked him to clarify, he said it wouldn't cause problems between me and him but between him and her. Which, yeah, I don't care.
--His saying how he spent much more than 30 minutes on my emails, but he's only going to charge me for that amount of time because he thinks of the customer at times.
--(perhaps a less good example) His saying the other day that lately I just keep pushing him to show he cares. Which is part of what's behind his frustration. I said I imagined it was partly related to his being away a bunch, and he said, "I'm sure it is," but then he didn't explore that at all with me.
--Back with the stone thing, when he was superfocused on his reaction to it, not mine
With ex-MC, if I had some reaction to him, he often would tie it into something from my childhood. He'd look at what was going on with it. Until what happened at the very end, he didn't share how he was personally reacting to things (even then he didn't fully share). He had his faults, but he kept things in a therapeutic direction and kept his emotions out of the therapy room. Which I think is related to his psychodynamic training maybe?
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I feel like those things are all reasonable things for him to reflect back to you about how he feels within the therapeutic relationship. I see them all as valuable - and perhaps even necessary - feedback. Therapeutic relationships tend to reflect our relationships in everyday life, and in most of these examples here he is letting you know how he feels in response to the way you relate to him. I see that as a valuable part of the therapy rather than a fault on his part.
I also think it's important to focus on the here and now aspect of the therapeutic relationship rather than *just* relate it to the past. Both are important. But to be honest, if he was feeling manipulated, pushed, micromanaged and controlled (which I think are reasonable responses to some of the pushing that you do) it's important for that to be fed back to you.
On the flip side... T cares for you and I think - if you are willing to take that risk - you and him can work through this together and come out stronger on the other side. T is most likely quite capable of feeling those things he shared with you AND still feel care for you, want to work with you, and hold you in positive regard.
I think you will be hurting yourself if you walk away from him now. Here is your chance to work through these patterns of relating to others with someone who cares deeply about you and is on your side... even when working through the hard stuff.
I really hope you don't walk away from this core conflict. You will be doing yourself a great disservice.