To look at me, you'll see a happy and successful person.

I'm a big phony.

I can't enjoy anything. I hate everyone. I don't want to do anything. I'm just here taking up space. I'm jealous of people who just drop dead unexpectedly.

I'm so mad that it feels that I don't really have the option to take my life. I feel like a prisoner here without a full plate of options. I have responsibilities. I have children. I run the risk of severely damaging their lives by taking mine. Everyone would hate me. I don't want people to hate me. Only terribly selfish people kill themselves. My kids would be left with the stigma of Wow, your parent must not have loved you much to not even stick around for you. I'm mad that I shared this with my therapist because I feel like she judges me and feels sorry for my kids having such a messed up parent.

There is nothing wrong with my life and I have no right to be depressed. I have a nice family, a good job, we are comfortable financially, live in a beautiful place.

I feel like Self, you are so full of it. You don't want to end your life. You just want attention by talking about it and going over and over it in your mind. Stop being such a baby.

I'm so sick of being here and I'm so sick of being the responsible person who does the responsible thing and keeps on going. I want someone to say your kids/pets/family will be well taken care of, they won't be emotionally ruined, they won't hate you, you don't have to stay. Go ahead and do what you need to do and it'll be okay.

But that's not rational and isn't going to happen.

I'm so mad.