Recently, a lot of **** went down in my life. Nothing overly dramatic or anything. I’m not in any kind of major trouble. Didn’t break the law, my apologies if anyone was wanting that style of a reality tv show kind of update. I’m totally kidding.

Deceit, that’s a word to think about. I’ve had to think about the meaning of that word ... all over again. Why? It was all fun and games for me until I realized that my deceitful behavior had become “autopilot” on a whole new level, I wasn’t in control anymore, though now I’m wondering if I ever truly was in the first place. But that’s a different rabbit hole now isn’t it?

I realized not that long ago, that the person I was deceiving more than anybody else ... was myself. Now, understand that on some level I darn well knew I was full of it, but on another level I kind of ... didn’t, in a sense. I had been on autopilot on that “another level of I kind of didn’t know I was full of it”, which had turned into another form of deceit all on its own. Oh what a tangled web I can weave.

It was almost like a really weird form of ... denial. I vastly dislike having a Psychopathy + Antisocial Personality Disorder diagnosis on my records. It’s been a thorn in my side ever since I got both respective diagnoses, never mind being diagnosed with Conduct Disorder (not Oppositional Defiance Disorder, straight up Conduct Disorder) at the age of 9 or whenever it was. Yes, the two (Psychopathy and ASPD) are separate entities for those who may be reading this and unaware of that fact.

No. I am not going to explain it all, either. This is a support/discussion-in-my-case thread, not an encyclopedia. Use your search engine of choice. The world won’t hold your hand, people.

My life is highly enjoyable most of the time. I’m very live and let live.

Until I need to say, go to the doctor for some kind of an issue like ... my ever persistent migraines, for example. Hello being denied even being given the time to explain the problem because I am a diagnosed Psychopath/Antisocial. Never mind that I have exactly zero drug related anything, benign or criminal, on my records. That kind of utter nonsense is too stupid for the phrase “it’s getting old”. More like “necrosis is most definitely present by now” is far more appropriate, as the ensuing mental image is sufficiently more gruesome and most certainly represents my cold albeit fleeting irritation with the entire thing.

I nearly died due to an environmental toxin several months ago, and I was assumed to be lying about the problem until I walked into the emergency room and I won’t go into detail as I don’t wish to be too graphic and get a wrist slap from the moderators over it ... but I was obviously dying. They were forced to treat me as the legal nightmare they would have been in if I had actually died on their watch would have been vastly unfortunate for them. Regardless, due to the medical negligence for months, I flatlined. Twice. I may have more luck than superficial charm. Well, okay maybe I wouldn’t go that far, but I still got crazy lucky. Lol. Anyways, I got out of the hospital and proceeded to sue my old landlords over the entire thing. Yes, I won. The evidence was overwhelmingly in my favor. I have an excellent legal team too. Like most “successful psychopaths”, or in my case a once “unsuccessful psychopath” who became a successful one, I certainly lack most things that fall under what’s generally considered basic humanity/human decency/etc. but I most certainly do not lack money.

I just call a lawyer when I need medical care now, the thing is though, on principle it seems rather ridiculous that I have to do that because I was born with Psychopathy. I cannot help how my brain is wired. I can only do something about the choices I make within the scope of both my strengths and weaknesses/limitations, just like ... everyone else. Imagine that!

I do so enjoy the arts, especially music. Though lately, I’ve taken up painting, it’s oddly enjoyable and I’ve found it helps me meditate. Active meditation is the only kind I can manage. I am insufferably bored otherwise. Heh.

Oh dear, I wrote a novel. Ah, nothing like scoring a 100 in Extraversion on the good old fashioned Big Five! (I didn’t even lie on that one, go me!)