lets continue this thread shall we...

my treatment providers and I had a sudden and unexpected detour in regards to my "parts vs alters"...

after posting about my "rescuer part" in my non psych central forums many took it to mean I was unintegrated, that my rescuer part was an alter. I got told all kinds of crap every time I logged in to those sites. this went on for a week to the point where I started questioning myself and my own experiences and began to wonder and fear whether this "rescuer part" of me was a DID alter that we had missed integrating 10 years ago. this wondering and fear built until I ended up contacting my treatment providers.

it was then that I discovered a new diagnostic label now applies to me....Other Mental Disorder - No disorder, No condition. what that means is I got worked up over whether or not a completely normal situation and whether my completely normal problem of having a rescuer part was an alter that it impacted my life in very important ways. My treatment provider diagnosed this situation as not being a disorder or even part of any of my existing disorders but rather a symptoms and problem that we had to work through.

It was such a relief to know that we did not miss integrating any of my dissociative type alters and that this was just a normal part of me, but I was also shocked because Im not the type of person to fall into internet induced panic, Im not one to fall into questioning my own problems and reality. Im a person that usually keeps her feet firmly planted in reality, not looping all over the place with worry over my "parts vs alters" not to mention the new NOS name is not something anyone looks forwards to getting diagnosed as Other Mental Disorder - No disorder, No Condition.

so there we have it, I knew this rescuer part of me was normal parts not alters and now its been diagnosed as not a disorder or condition kind of alter.

My treatment provider and I are still talking about the differences between parts and alters....

on of the recent ways my treatment provider knew this was not an alter but was a normal part of me was the dissociation factor... I was not dissociated when I slid off the "pool swing" into the pool to rescue my daughter. I was not feeling numb, spaced out or disconnected, I was fully aware with no depersonalization nor derealization symptoms, I knew exactly what had happened and remembered in full detail exactly what happened. even now when I think about that day at the pool my memory is clear and detailed and does not contain any dissociative symptoms. I have full recognition and recollection of my thoughts and actions when it happened and even now.... no dissociative amnesia (memory loss) no tachypsychia or any other of my OSDD symptoms / problems. this was just me watching my young beginning to learn how to swim daughter slip off my lap into the pool and like mothers do I went after her so that she would not drown.

one of the differences between my parts and alters that my treatment providers and I are talking about is the fact that new standards state a person has limited amount of alters versus the unlimited amount of parts a person can have.

by this I mean, there is a point where a person has so many alters that they are ............by professional standards............considered to be "out of touch with reality"

DID diagnostics since 2013 is that in order for a person to have a diagnosis of DID reality remains intact. this opened the door for my treatment providers to assess whether I had so many alters that there wasn't a normal self, the me that I was with out being an alter. if so that's one way of assessing whether I fit that diagnostic of reality remains intact or not...……..my losing touch with reality would have meant I had so many alters that I was always in an alter state of mind (dissociated)

Since I had times when I was considered clinically not dissociated, not an alter, that meant I was not out of touch with reality, I had times when I was not feeling numb, spaced out, disconnected and my other dissociated symptoms and had times when I was not an alter....

to illustrate my treatment providers point that there is an actual limit to how many alters a person can have before they "lose track with reality" she had me do an experiment...

she went to her desk and with out telling me what she was writing ( because people with DID dont always know their alters exist) she wrote, a list of twenty names on a paper. under each name she wrote a basic composite (sense of agency for each name - complete with basic likes, dislikes, favorites, behaviors, tones of voice, triggers.... a basic representation of what alters wit DID are and what happens with people with DID when their alters take control)

my instructions were for three days pretend I had these 20 alters. not just when I felt like it. from the moment I woke up, and 24/7 I was to follow everything my treatment provider had wrote on that paper. no matter what my plans were for the next three days or who I was with, no matter what I was doing, in every aspect of my life this is how I was to behave, talk, dress, eat and drink, walk everything that represents who and what alters with DID are. she made sure that none had any likeness, or commonalities to my real alters that I had before integration so that I could not use that experience. like people with DID I had to go into this blindly and with no preparedness.

my kids had a blast most of the time watching mommy so out of control and unpredictable and at times incoherent, and being so disjointed in things., my wife was pulling out her hair at times and laughing at other times and I was a mess.

I went home to my family. first I told my wife and showed her what and how I must be for the next three days. then we sat down with my children and explained to them that my therapist wanted me to do some homework of playing a game of pretend for three days and so they needed to understand I really was ok and that Momma Sandy would be right there, that everything was ok, just playing a game of pretend and that this game of pretend can get a bit strange and not so fun.

knowing it was pretend my children were not adversely affected and my wife made sure they were safe and well taken care of emotionally and physically, which was my main concern when my treatment provider assigned this activity.

After the experiment one child told me "mom if I hadn't known before hand this was therapy homework I would have called 911 myself, it was like you completely lost your marbles. I had fun sometimes but it scared me, I didn't like how unpredictable you were first doing one thing then suddenly doing another, it sure is dangerous to have DID isn't it. I mean you could have really gotten hurt, we could have gotten hurt if this was for real you having 20 alters, nothing got accomplished for taking care of yourself or us by you, Im glad Momma Sandy was here, because you were "switching" so many times, and you could have burned the house down for real by walking away from the stove while cooking ….

(keep in mind my wife was here the whole time and there was no actual real danger this is one of my biological children's point of view on the game),

……. and could have flooded the house by switching so much and leaving water running because of that bathroom trigger, I think you should tell your therapist no more homework like that"

I can say after this experiment that I am very glad that there is now a limit to when a person is considered to fit the "reality remains intact" diagnostic and when a person is "out of touch with reality".

I am very glad in reality I had no where near that limit for number of alters....

I am purposely not disclosing the actual limit number due to posting actual numbers can cause others problems. think of it like in the eating disorders board where numbers could cause others to feel like they have to create more or less to fit in.

in online forums the ..................….in general...……….. rule is everyone is to post only supportively which means that you have as many as you need...... no one is supposed to tell you that you have too many or too little ….

the bottom line is that no one online actually knows how many is too many unless your own treatment provider tells you, because that's a treatment providers only information kind of thing. Usually they just change your diagnosis from DID to a mental disorder that includes being "out of touch with reality", in certain situations they do disclose the actual number and that's what happened to me, I was given this information because its relevant to an important part of my life, that I do not discuss here on psych central.