Trigger warning for talking about sexual abuse.

I CRIED today.

I went into the office, and my T has known for a week and a half I've been upset over a certain memory surrounding sexual abuse by a family member.

I take *forever* to open up, and rarely do so in session. But this was eating me on the inside. I needed to talk, and she knew it. We turned down the lights, and she let me use her super soft blanket, and lay down on the couch.

She knew the basics of what was going on, and was helping me relax and very gently helped me retell the flashback/nightmare that has been haunting me day and night. Slowly, I began to share.

I took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes and told her "I don't want to cry". She got me kleenex (the good kind! with the lotion! lol) and told me it was ok to cry and the amazing part is I DID. And while crying I slowly told her bits and pieces of the memory, drifting partly into the memory but letting her be my safe anchor to keep me from regressing into it.

It's the first memory that really hit me like a ton of bricks about being molested as a child, and really understanding what that meant and how it made me feel.

I told her I thought it'd be different. Like I'd feel wonderfully better all the sudden, but right now I feel worse, having to go through it. She was very empathetic and understanding.

At the end, I stood up and I felt the meaning of the psychology phrase of "Wow, I'm ok, you're ok". I had this inner fear that my world would come crashing down. That it would be I'm not ok, T's ok, or I'm not ok, T's not ok because I'm bad.

It was very exhausting, but I had a huge sense of relief. Then laughed to myself while going to the parking lot I thought "Same time next week?"