Wow, onion. That sounds like ME! Seriously.

I feel the same time a lot. I have done some really awful things that I feel guilty for. Deep inside I am extremely depressed, but on the surface I am a very good actress, putting on the happy face and pretending everything is okay.

I also have a child. Sometimes I think she is the best thing that ever happened to me, and quite literally she saved my life. But then there are times that I wish my last s attempt in 2004 would have worked. Because then she wouldn't be here, and my actions would not cause her any pain. It just makes my heart ache to think what could happen to her if I can't kick this beast.

I also feel like I don't have a "right" to be depressed. I read all these stories of people who have survived unimaginable amounts of abuse and neglect and trauma, and I just think, I never went thru that, I shouldn't be depressed. My life is good now. We are debt-free, I have good job, a nice home, a loving daughter, and a husband...maybe not loving...but he's there. Nothing to be depressed about.

But you know what? That's how you know it's a disease...and not just made up. The fact that your life IS good and you still can't be happy - that means something! It's something you can't control.