Wow. Good rant!

Since that was your first post, let me be the first to say welcome (as long as I don't write so long someone sneaks in here and gets to it first [edit: three people!]). I joined up a couple of weeks ago, and it was easily among the best things I've ever done. I hope it grants you similar results.

Let's see, now...

I can say without fear of contradiction or possibility of exaggeration that what you wrote could be equally applied to me (and possibly others here), with the exception of having kids. And a job. Don't have those things.

But that's the trick - it's one of the worst things about depression - it doesn't need to make sense. It comes from some place deep inside you, where you're a human being first, and being a successful parent, being good at whatever your job is, and the superficiality of daily life doesn't really reach. I'm not sure I explained that well, but hopefully you see what I mean. I almost went with an onion metaphor, but you can see why that might be somewhat tacky.

The thick of it is, of course you have a right to be depressed. Well, it's not a right, nor a privilege, really. Don't trick yourself into thinking that it's a punishment for something. It's been statistically shown that depression rates have increased with the passing years, and it's verifiable through comparison with places where the standard of living is much much lower. My personal take on it (I am not a professional, just a depressed dude who has a lot of time to think) is that there's some basic need that's being unmet in our age of iPods, flashy cars and, ugh, reality television*.

I have suicidal thoughts too. I'd be extremely surprised if 90% of the people on this board didn't. And the second AFTER the suicidal thought happens, comes the other ones: "holy crap, you're thinking of suicide!", "you just want attention", "who do you think you are?","what would that do to your family?", etc. But, eventually it passes and if it gets often enough, or intense enough, we start to seek out help. As you and I have in the last month. Whatever mental crutches we need to get by while we're going through psychological therapy.

Your therapist is NOT judging you. For one thing, you and others like you are her bread and butter, but for the other, typically therapists are aware that even if they don't feel particularly compassionate every day (only human), they need to pretend to be (as you do) to do their job. If your therapist isn't doing it for you, look around for another one. It's your dime, and it's easier than it seems to make changes like this. If anything you might be irritated you didn't do it sooner.

It's perfectly rational to wonder if your presence is necessary, but you don't need to be dead to test the theory. (If you did, it'd be even more frustrating to find out that, yes, the people around you will still go on) We all carry about different degrees of responsibility, and I'm glad to hear that despite its heavy load, you're doing the right thing by your kids and job and whatnot. I'm not sure what your situation is, obviously, but it might be worth it to take a couple of days for yourself, if you can swing it financially. Get a hotel room, or a cabin or something for the weekend. Reconnect with yourself.

Finally, take the time to read through some of the forum here. It seems really really glib, I know, but there are some genuinely lovely people here, and being part of a community like this is amazing. In fact, the fact that we *don't* know each makes it all the more wonderful that so many perfect strangers are willing to send a little love and understanding to each other. Cuts through the B.S. I was talking about before, and gets to the core of our humanity.

*hug* Hope to see you around, and I'll send a little love your way. =)

*unrelated but sort of interesting side anecdote. I read this today on a well-known blog, speaking of the recent interest in american politician's spiritual advisors:

"My own profound spiritual adviser is a priest who spent a month in a third world country years ago. A remote village asked him to help them discern which of their children should be allowed to live through the winter; they didn't have enough food for all to live. It broke his heart. When he came back he was impatient with our prayer requests for better cars and job promotions."

There was more, there, of course to relate it to the topic, but that struck me as being profoundly perspective-inducing, and, strangely apropos to what I was blabbing about.