Thankyou - tbh she has offered to go non poly with me because she knows it hurts and doesn't want to hurt me but I can't stand the thought of stifling her freedom and it would hurt me just as much to feel I had crushed something that is very precious to her just for my own selfish needs and insecurities so I talked her out of it because I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn't really what she wanted, she was just prepared to sacrifice herself for me which isn't what I want at all much as I love her for it.

Also ultimately I do want poly partners myself - I think there is a lot in Polyamory to attract people with C-PTSD because if it works out you end up surrounded by love which is very comforting but no gain without pain and that's what I need to get through. If I can keep my focus on the benefits and on her joy it's fine but I keep going inwards and breaking apart. However I need a way through it, I am not going to give in.

btw I do already have an art therapist who is very supportive. I guess if I found another lover for this weekend it would solve a lot for me but I'm quite shy and not as beautiful as my partner (well she says I am but I don't know)