Hello everybody, this is my first post.

I haven´t written in a mental health forum for years (at least 4, I guess). I used to suffer from severe depression until I was 21 or so. I am 24 now, and am surprised to have come back to this point.

I have been one week sober today - not that I had a heavy alcohol addiction before: I stopped drinking just when I noticed I was close to become an alcoholic. Right after stopping, I have been struck by severe depression as I did not experience in years. I am not talking about being sad about my current life situation (could be worse; I have a girlfriend, I am not starving, I am not fighting in a war, etc.), but rather re-experiencing that absolute, universal depression I used to suffer from. Just constantly thinking of death, the quick passage of time, the purposelessness of things - but especially the passage of time. I am a history lover, and I tend not to see much difference between the living people and the dead people of the past. After all, they were like us, we'll be like them - sooner than we think, or at least that's my thought.

The reason why I'm writing this to you all is that I noticed my severe, "universal" depression left me just when I started heavy drinking a few years ago, and it's reappeared now that I've stopped drinking. So my fear - my absolute terror I must say - is that I'm not just depressed because of the current withdrawal, but that I'm depressed because I'm not unable to prevent those thoughts from popping up due to the fact that I'm not drinking. Hence, the terrifying doubt that my alternative is between depression and drugs - which I know it's not: I know that there's therapy and much more, but I'm being caught by the fear that in all these years I have not become more mature in the deep, which is something that instead I do believe: since the time I was in severe depression, I believe I have grown up a lot, and that I'm no longer a kid. I'm no longer afraid to have a real job (even though I don't have one, I have been up to several interviews for very interesting positions). I have graduated in time from my bachelor and I'm currently doing my masters. I've published three novels in the last 4 years and I'm working on my fourth one; I have acted in movies and I have written and directed my own short movie, composed lots of music for piano besides my unrelated economics studies - which I enjoy very much - but then again, I feel that all this development has just been a distraction from those horrible thoughts, and that I'm back to the starting point without much difference from the scared kid I used to be.

I'm therefore posting here just to hear any kind of thought about this.

Note: I'm not the kind of daylight-drinker. Even in my heavy drinking periods, I always drank after dinner or so, as still that evening non-sobriety has always let me sleep without much trouble, without many heavy thoughts.