I do contact her. I try to follow our habit of me saying good morning and good evening so I do that and occasionally send a short video. I guess I am trying to pretend there is normalcy.

She is not one to hide her feelings if I annoy her or make her really happy so if it was unwanted she would say something. Although, I do feel like an idiot for doing knowing the odds of a response are low. She hasn't unfriended me so I take that as a good sign.

She has done this before, what is upsetting is that she promised that if she needed time away for whatever reason she would let me know and even then, at least write something every 2-3 days. She claims I am the best and most patient man in the world, she even said that just days before disappearing, clearly that is a lie but it seems strange that she would do this after saying that. The week before we also talked about her maybe coming back around Halloween but not in detail.

I do think there is some kind of MH issue that she has that I can not put my finger on. I know she has been emotionally abused, which breaks my heart that anyone could do that to her. She says that MH care is not really a thing in Russia so she has not been diagnosed with anything. She has self-esteem issues, just a little noticeable but not bad. That is shocking to me.

I could tell something was wrong about 3 weeks before she got quiet but she flat-out told me that she doesn't want me to know. Which is her right of course, but it is a struggle to reconcile that with her talking a lot about marriage. Maybe it is a cultural thing or just part of her personality?

Maybe I really am an INJF, even just chatting I can feel her mood shift and it definitely affects me. I still talked to her but what I said and how I said it changed when her mood did. Maybe I am just nuts like my sister said who thinks I have PTSD from all the times I have been dumped with no reason ever given. I don't think PTSD from an ex-wife walking out with no warning one day or a handful of losing girlfriends in embarrassing ways would cause that. It just proved what I always suspected. The last dumping was almost 20 years ago so that seems unlikely it would affect me now. She also claims my self-esteem was ruined by those experiences which seems unlikely since I have always felt lower than everyone else. I am just much older and uglier now. Much more boring and inactive than I used to be but that would be my fault.

Another sister claims that she can tell I am trying to push everyone away and maybe I am doing that to Irina. Or maybe her actions have nothing to do with me, despite her claim of me withdrawing. I don't think I am pushing her away. If I could I would go all caveman and put her over my shoulder and bring her home and a month ago she would have approved of the idea, not sure if she would now.

I know I have too much wrapped up into this but it is hard to not get that way. She is everything I have dreamed of and so much more and believe it or not being alone for nearly 20 years isn't much fun. This and the last time really shows how insecure I am, I guess that comes from never having a successful relationship.


I think I could have one with her though. It is very embarrassing also, the thought of losing her. She took a lot of photos of us together and I shared some on my FB and with family and that is very hard for me to do but I did it thinking I would not embarrass myself by doing I am not sure what to make her pull away.

I just suck and need to disappear for good I think. I feel a strong push to do that before my birthday in a few weeks. I am not sure I could stand being alone that day, especially when we had talked about having a virtual party and she was getting really excited for my birthday. Yes, I am an idiot for thinking that I could find someone and be happy.