After reading your post ,all I can see is despite of your suffering you have done a great job of being productive.You have managed to do a lot of positive things.You are truly an inspiring person.I think you can work on the part of you that is creating a problem in your life.You can do it.I agree with you that all the things you did have acted as diversions from bad memories.I take these diversions when ever I can,when an ugly memory tries to pop up in my mind.You did a great job.