This is probably way too long and not worth reading.


She is not my sole reason for living. Not in a certain sense. Even when she was here I had severe but short bouts of depression. It was nothing she did. It was my feeling that I could not be enough for anyone, much less her. The possibility of losing her is more like the proverbial last straw on the camel.

I do have 2 grown daughters and 4 grandkids. 1 daughter and 1 grandkid live with me, and I try to be what they need. I try to help and get yelled at, one abandoned me over it, even if it was only two weeks and got yelled at because the other one looked like she was in distress and even people who witnessed it said that I was right to try to intervene and I got called controlling and pathetic. I am not a controlling person, I don't lose my temper. I am always measured in my responses to people, Irina calls me cautious and reasonable and she saw me with my granddaughter whom was throwing a fit and also labelled me very patient.

Those are good attributes I will accept because they are true. Any "negative" thing I say about myself is true and nothing will change my mind. Truth is immutable.

I am pathetic but it hurts to have someone I mostly raised by myself to call me pathetic. I almost died that night and should have, you would be spared this pathetic BS. All of this happened in the same week and if that is not a sign, there is no such thing.

If I lose even one of my daughters, what is the point? I put everything I had into them for their entire lives because I was the most stable and always available parent but it was for nothing.

If I lose my daughters, they will block me from my grandkids and that is not something I can live with. I honestly did nothing to earn their contempt. I am not perfect but I am not abusing, demeaning or controlling in any way.

Add in my new medical issues. I have grade 4 patellar chondromalacia in one knee and grade 3 in the other, meaning behind one knee cap I have basically no cartilage and the other slightly more. Also add tendonosis to each knee. These are degenerative diseases. I am supposed to start PT but they will get worse no matter what I do, they can only get worse. Because of the grade 4 and from kneeling in my garden, I got a complex tear of the medial meniscus which causes a lot of pain and popping and clicking in that knee. It is inoperable. It may or may not get worse, but it will not get better and it is already quite painful and often difficult to walk but sometimes I can ride my bike.

My shoulder has a calcified rotator cuff that was severely torn a long time ago, there are bone flakes in the shoulder causing random bursitis and locking up my shoulder along with a bone spur poking into my rotator cuff and the surgeon will not operate. This is degenerative. To make matters worse, Geodon made my testosterone levels so low I lost a lot of muscle mass and my shoulder can not deal with weight lifting so I look even more pathetic than I used to.

I have neuromas in the ball of my feel that the surgeon also will not operate on. It is also degenerative to some extent.

So feet, knees and shoulder are FUBAR. I have osteoarthritis nearly everywhere, including the vertebrae in my neck. I have bone spurs everywhere including my neck. My brain is even worse. MH is getting worse and worse and no med and no therapy has helped even a little. An MRI showed cerebral softening that could possibly be a sign of a minor stroke.

I recently had surgery on my sinus because I had silent sinus syndrome and I was at risk of my sinus collapsing which would cause my eye to drop into it. The risk is much lower and the surgeon thinks it will not weaken more and should be strong enough to not collapse on its own. What happens if I get in a car wreck or get hit by a baseball?

That leaves little hope for anything but a physically and mentally painful future that will only get worse.

It is fitting that I will die alone and in pain. It is what I deserve. So maybe I should stick it out so I can get what I have earned.

You and Tuned out help me, along with a member I chat with in FB a few times a week, she has way more important issues than I do that need to be addressed because she is a really great person. Clearly no one else really gives a crap, and it is difficult to blame them.

I will not break rules and discuss methods but I have everything I need to fall asleep and never wake up, hopefully it will be peaceful but since my state discriminates against the mentally ill forcing us to take matters into our own hands, even though I believe I am terminal, I know that no pdoc would concur, no matter how many decades I suffer. Freaking sadists! Just because I suck I have to deal with constant pain and since doctors are myopic and overreact, I can't even get proper meds to help the pain. I have a long history of taking addictive pain pills for years and not abusing them, or getting addicted. I can and have stopped after taking them for daily for years. I was even in school getting nearly straight-A's. Maybe if I were in a little less pain, my mind would be slightly clearer right now.

I even have the dumpster picked out since it is obvious it is where I belong since I have spent a life time getting metaphorically thrown away.

The question is what date? Tomorrow sounds good and yes, my lovely friend all by herself could save me. I could live a happy life with her, it would not cure me but with her next to me my problems become unimportant.

No, she does not know that. She knows I miss and love her and I really want to start talking again but I don't let anything else leak to her, that feels very manipulative. Given her history she could go back to normal tomorrow or in 2 weeks and it is possible never. With my luck, I will be dead in the dumpster and my phone with beep with her ringtone.