Kimberly,

I hear you saying that you almost don't care about the meds. Fortunately you do and you also care about yourself. Wanna know how I can tell that?

You came here to post.....reaching out in a time of difficulty............that's good self preservation right there!

You're talking about what you are going through............feeling the feelings while staying aware that this is an urge and that feelings do change [maybe this'll feel better later...] Sounds like you know inside the reasons to keep taking care of yourself. If I knew how to help you learn to not hate yourself I would tell you in a heartbeat! I think you hate the behaviours or thoughts maybe.........not the YOU that is thinking them. Hmmm? Or is that just me projecting optimistic separation of self and disease?

I wish I could better express my own frustrations and pain as succinctly as you do.