Meandering session today, but it was very helpful.
‘A lot has happened since last session, but I am going to tackle it chronologically.’
‘Makes sense to me.’

I showed R a piece of writing I had done after our most recent meeting.

‘What stands out to me here is: ‘This feels like the ugly part’ Can you explain a bit more about that?’

I mentioned that I felt holding the anger wasn’t helping me, ‘but everything I have read suggests a physical outlet – what are passive people supposed to do?’
‘Do you consider yourself passive?’

‘Yes.’ I talked about how anger wasn’t really present in my experience with Chris, because it wouldn’t change anything. I mentioned the contrast between that and the other experience. ‘When the thought ‘What the **** are you doing?’ crossed my mind, and it did….I didn’t say anything.’
I talked about letting people in on my friendship with Chris as an indication of trust. ‘I need people to understand who I am, and how I got here.’ R said she feels similarly.

‘When I have given people the opportunity to understand and they don’t...’

‘Or can’t…that hurts, so you put up a new wall.’
‘And yet, the most dangerous words in the world are ‘Nobody will ever understand this.’ I talked about the way in which I feel I am perpetuating the pattern.
‘I remember the photograph…it took you a while to tell me about that. It’s like a turtle going back into its shell.’
We talked about my process around seeing a call for submissions, deciding not to write anything, and then writing anyway. The story involved an e-card for a friend, sent from the same website that I used to use to light virtual candles for struggling friends.
‘It sounds as though you go to the same emotional place when you are writing as you go to when you are explaining something to me. You need your emotions to be able to write such powerful pieces, but it is incredibly painful.’

‘Yes. The hardest part about writing this piece was not including the other people.’

‘You wanted to write about it in isolation.’
‘Yes.’ I talked about my process of writing the piece in ten minute increments to avoid emotional buildup, and using the visualisation R had shared with me to come up with the last paragraph.
‘I submitted it on Tuesday after I emailed you because I needed a clear head. The thing I took from the submission guidelines was ‘If you do not follow these, your submission will immediately be rejected.’
‘Very strict then.’

‘As one of my American tutors said – Times New Roman, 12 point font, or you will never publish anything.’
I went on to say that they will have the piece for three months, ‘but I don’t think I can handle being in a vulnerability hangover for that long.’
I talked about how I am glad Chris didn’t live to see this, and R detected some disgust.

‘I am not the same – I’ve changed.’ We talked about this some more, and R offered a way of reframing the situation, not looking at my weakness, but seeing the strength it ‘must have taken’ to hold all that.
She asked me whether I needed a moment, and then continued. ‘It’s almost like there’s a block between the person you are now, and the person you were then.’
She offered that I could use visualisation to help bring those people together, and mentioned that I bring out visual tendencies in her. ‘It doesn’t happen all the time.’
She moved quickly when she saw that I was on the verge of becoming emotional, and then offered her closing words.

‘Being angry doesn’t make you any less of a beautiful compassionate person. You can be compassionate and still be angry.’