KC,

No need to apologize for your ramble.

One thought on why the urge to si or do harm by some other method ( I think you mentioned drowning) is that when working hard in therapy connecting back to painful past traumas can also take us back to a time of feeling helpless. When feeling helpless at such a young age (for most...I am making generalization of early childhood trauma) instead of becoming angry or fighting back---which probably weren't options--------we internalize that anger and it becomes self blame for whatever occurred back then.

So when we work on this in therapy we are reminded of that helpless feeling which by now we've honed into some harmful coping mechanism. Many use SI. Some turn that self blame into self hatred and punish the body through food either too much or not enough. Others berate themselves until only a shadow of the person remains.

It is normal to feel those feelings of wanting to harm.........healing means understanding that those feelings are just that.....feelings......and they do not have to be acted upon. It isn't easy to learn to sit and be with our uncomfortable feelings especially after so many years of not feeling by utilizing diss.

there's the hussy's ramble for you