Hi LenaWilkinson,
sorry to hear you are going through a tough time but it also seems like you are also having an epiphany of your self and life.

As Skeezyks mentioned, not professional advice or opinion from me either , and have my own little things that may or may not relate to you.

Professional help can be found in many ways.

I remember in one of my therapy group sessions for DBT that was focused on PTSD, we talked about the different type of selves that a person that has survived trauma as a child can encounter/develop for coping in a maladaptive way some times. -- many different selves were described - the reckless self, the child self, adult self and so on (They had better definitions than that apologies) ...

I wish I could find a link, or even know the work book we took the page from....

We talked about coping and grounding skills, and trying to find ways to balance when we are another self, and calming and soothing that part of our selves in a more helpful way for life.
We also talked about being more independent and not relying so much on others (I excel in my work and job duties, but life outside of work can have it own bumps).

I may be horrible at explaining this at this moment, as I have been quite forgetful lately; but I do recall that little with the session and am sharing in hopes that it helps you not to feel so alone and encouraging to get assistance.

I do know that with the classes and the one on one sessions, it helped greatly with many aspects for myself; and thought I would toss that out there. It always takes so much for me to go back to therapy ((I am not constant like some))... but I will say, most of the time, it helps... and with every therapist, I have taken something away

It may not be helpful at all, and if so- apologies and I wish you the best.