Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebicycle
Thanks. I feel pretty low today, though. Was having some very dark thoughts earlier today, but definitely not the worst I've experienced.
I have to remain positive for my mom because I am seeing her today. I know she has been extremely stressed out over work and has spent quite a bit of time worrying about my grandmother.
My sister, who FINALLY isn't being selfish for once in a blue moon, is going with me to pick up special dinner for my mom. It's going to be a surprise.
I'll probably feel miserable for a while (because I guess that's just how depression works...), and it's going to be painful to fake my happiness this weekend, but I think I have to for the sake of everyone. The mastectomy is hitting my mom hard even though my grandma was obviously the one who underwent that procedure. But if I am a Debbie downer about everything, it'll only hurt my mom, and I don't want that because I know she is hurting quite a bit with all the medical scares my grandma has had this year alone. (Not to be pessimistic, but she's had so many (very serious) scares that I'm afraid any minor medical problem could mean the end.  ) I guess this is just a particularly bad time to get depressed, and faking things is going to eat at me. |
You're a very good daughter for putting your mother's needs in front of your own at a time when she is struggling. I respect that a lot. Maybe you can think of it as rising above your feelings for the greater good as opposed to faking it. It might help the feels feel a bit more genuine. It is your genuine good charater that leads you to know this is the right thing to do. That is a real aspect of yourself. You're just forcing it forward at a time when another aspect wishes to be dominant. We do that all the time for various reasons. It doesn't make you fake. Faking it would be denying yourself the acceptance and understanding that you are feeling low. You aren't doing that. You're aware and dialed in to how you feel. You're simply manifesting something else in its place out of need and love for your mother. That's selfless and beautiful.
Your mother is fortunate to have you!